If you want a personalized answer, we can’t help you. We don’t know what’s going on in your head and heart, only you do. We can really only supply you with what these things are generally accepted to mean. Just because that’s different from your experience, it’s not bullshit - it just means you have a different experience, as do many others, because obviously they can’t re-write the textbook every time an individual feels differently about the issue, or has a different experience.
I know it’s trite and rather unhelpful, but you have to decide your own meanings in relation to these issues from your own experience.
As Kate said, It’s better to discuss this with whatever medical professionals you have to hand, and/or other people with similar life experiences. We haven’t been there, we can hardly imagine what you’re going through, or what’s ahead of you and most of us are not medical professionals, I’m not sure how much assistance we can provide here.
But I can tell you that lashing out at people because they’re not giving you an answer that nobody but you can actually give you definitely isn’t going to solve it for you.