Depression and Such

#141
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#142

I thought this might be useful in regard to the alcohol conversation we were having before.

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#143

So I have an uncle. He is damaged from alcoholism, he has either Bipolar 2 or schizophrenia, and my family believes he moved out of the nursing home too early. He had successfully recovered for like 6 months then once he was moved into his own apartment…problems occurred. Feared his neighbors would kill him, has reportedly not changed clothes for weeks, stained teeth, refusing/forgetting to take his medications, turned his apartment into a cesspool but not cleaning and forgetting he had food. Calls people for attention. My family thinks he’s going to have to go back to a nursing home despite having nurses now who’ll check him twice a week and a housekeeper.

Hearing about how my uncle can’t get through the day just makes me think…I think when I get too old that’s going to be me. I set up an IRA for tax purposes alone and I don’t think I’ll be able to live long enough to reach that. I’m 30, don’t have a career. I’m not physically fit and suffer from a mix of depression/anxiety/ADHD. Didn’t get motivated for a job searching after living on my own since my passions of either food/beer service or writing are incredibly unsustainable where I live. Now I’m wrapped in two parts of family business that is stressing me out that I’ve been doing for 3 and 1/2 years now. I can’t stop working for my family either for health insurance reasons.

Today I learned my 93 year old great aunt who has helped finance my new apartment away from my family had a seizure that lasted 15 minutes. I’m fearing that the end is nigh for her. She began to deteriorate after her husband of SEVENTY years died two years ago and the seizures became a recent development. I know she would pass away at some point but I’m just not ready for it.

Over the past year it feels like I’ve been hit by wave after wave of emotional shrapnel. Bad things don’t happen to me directly all the time but when I hear stories of abuse and my uncle losing it; my mind feels heavier. I feel sluggish and hard to cope and it becomes hard to do things. I’ve lost a lot of friends in 2018 and my girlfriend and I had to end our relationship. I’m just finding less and less support these days and it hurts.

I do think I’ll be better by the time August rolls around when I can finally move to a new apartment that has up to date fixtures, no screaming children, no thin walls, not near emergency sirens. I’ll have walking access to my downtown which is pretty sweet. I have the money; I just feel like the money won’t be able to get me through the pain.

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#144

I’m going in to see my physician tomorrow (today?) and I really don’t want to. I already talked to my psychiatrist and both my therapists about my mood swings. My physician barely knows me. What’s he gonna do that we can’t talk about on the phone?

Fortunately my 20-60 minute mood swings gave way to 3-6 hour mood swings and I pretty much didn’t swing today. I don’t know if I need anything besides the already in place lamotrigine increase.

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#145

Mood swings are back up to 20-60 min but not between extremes anymore. Before it was like going from “Jesus, how did I ever get so lucky as to be alive” to “Am I gonna die soon? I need to die.” Now it’s like going from “I’m really lucky to be where I am” to “I can’t imagine how to cheer myself up.” This is livable, in part because the moods are closer together and in part because they have more time in between each other.

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