Dating


#81

I think you should in fact consider getting that professional help. What you describe as “going into yourself and becoming your worst hang ups” sounds like me a year ago. It was causing problems in my relationship as my partner became frustrated trying to comfort me in the face of my growing irrationality and obsessive need to fixate on things which made me upset.

I finally went to see a psychologist which was a good idea. You may not realise how helpful it is to unpack all of your problems with an unbiased person. You can be more open because there is not the risk that’s there with a friend or family member of them feeling like you’re blaming them for your problems.

She also prescribed me anti-anxiety medicine. I was hesitant a first because I know a lot of people have had bad experiences with SSRIs but they have been just what I needed. Its like the anxious, obsessive part of my brain has been cut out while leaving everything else behind. I am calm. I am rational. I am now a partner who can deal with disagreements by talking through things reasonably.

Getting professional help is not just putting a name on your problems to excuse yourself. It gives you the understanding you need to actually fix them. And if you are having problems with obsessiveness and anxiety, there is no harm in trying medication.

I am worried that she punched you. It may have been the result of years of frustration and hurt but that is crossing a serious line. Its your relationship and I don’t know what its normally like or whether this is a rare thing for her but I think you need to address that. Maybe after you do some work to get yourself right.

Good luck.


#82

Despite the fact that my ex, who I was living with, was cheating on me (she doesn’t know that I know), I still feel kind of bad about ghosting her. I just sold my car and I’m up and moving to China. I was going to leave a note explaining why I’m leaving, but both my parents (a rare occurrence) told me to just go, so I did. I’ve turned notifications on my phone off, and I’m probably not going to look at my messages until I arrive and block/unfriend her. All this after being in an LDR for two years before I moved back to the US with the intention of getting married fairly soon after; at least I managed to dodge that bullet.

Even though I know this is the best decision for me, I still feel bad about leaving without telling her why, but she’s a smart girl, so she should be able to figure it out on her own. Since she’s so desperate to get a green card, she should have at least cheated with an American.


#83

Does she at least know you’re moving out so she doesn’t file a missing persons report?


#84

Like Jon Snow, she knows nothing. Her brother-in-law seeing me taking my bags out (“taking extra stuff to my parents”) will probably clue her in. That and the complete lack of my stuff.


#85

Oh no, I got robbed. They took my ex-boyfriend’s stuff and my ticket to a green card too!
(jokes)


#86

It’s deeply sad to me how many people think this is good advice…


#87

If you take your partner to the “friend event” and it doesn’t go well, then that’s not the partner for you.

Or maybe those aren’t the friends for you. It’s one of the two.


#88

I was genuinely worried the first time I brought Chris to a FRC gathering. I knew things weren’t going to work out if it went poorly. It went fine of course, but I was scared.


#89

My girlfriend never wants to go to friend events which to me is very odd but for her is fine. It’s one of those things where I extend the invitation and she declines or cancels at theast minute shrug


#90

If it doesn’t go well, that’s one thing but there’s another adjacent outcome.

It goes fine but afterwards one or both parties conclude they’d rather not spend time with one another and from then on they generally don’t see one another.


#91

Couples being involved with eachtother’s friend groups is important but I also think that you don’t need 100% compatibility across groups in order to work. Especially friends from a certain scene, where you aren’t super close.

Also I think it’s fine to date at least a little while before getting friend groups involved. Get a sense of where its going at least. But after a few months if they havent met anyone you know that’s a problem.


#92

It’s like meeting the family - I want to make sure I like someone, and that they seem to be on the level, before I introduce them to all you misfits.


#93

For an example, I was dating someone earlier this year and first time she met any of my friends was at a big paintball event. We had a good time but that group is a roudy bunch of crazy people and so she wasn’t exactly fitting in yet, but I’m sure in time she could. But if she was like “I can’t handle that crowd” I’d be understanding. If she decided not to keep playing with that crowd, I’d happily just go on playing as I always have, and if she did want to play then she could just hang out and find her own group of people that she syncs with. But I wouldn’t stop playing with my people for her sake.

And if I’m going to meet up with some individual friends to hang out whatever, well, I’d be always open to bring my partner along, no doubt. If they don’t want to deal with it that’s fine but it is important to at least get out there some and be able to at least be familiar with who you’re partner is friends with.

And from my side, hanging with a partner’s friends , well plenty of times where being the odd one out in a group of friends does happen, and it just comes down to factors. But that doesn’t mean to not go. When dating someone foreign it can be really hard at first not to feel awkward in a group of people all hanging out and chatting in another language, about stuff you know nothing of. It really does feel sometimes like I’d have been better off not going and letting them just enjoy themselves.

But the whole point is going thru those awkward points. Especially when you don’t have language, culture, age, and educational barriers to navigate, it’s not that big a deal.


#94

This article seems more about failure to set expectations. “Let’s you and me go do X at Y” is different from “Let’s hang out at Y”.


#95

I’ve experienced the second one before. I had this old friend I met when I was a dumb kid, and it took my wife pointing out his toxic shitheadedness for me to acknowledge it for myself. Come to think of it, this is another good reason to have your partner meet your friends.


#96

There are definitely certain people that you don’t see what they are until someone else points it out.


#97

Dating: Don’t. Defend your hearts and bodies, of which your truest friends will ask nothing. Then maybe if you’re lucky one of them walks alongside you for a time. That’s all I figured out.

People have been encouraging me toward dating since grade school. Those people were insane. I didn’t date until my twenties. Still too soon, I feel. Anyway, I have some notes:

I don’t believe that anyone who is looking to meet a romantic partner through, or with the–I’m writing this on the internet presently so shall we say–regular involvement of, internet media services can fall in love with you or stay in love with you. I say this as a person who falls into and stays in love. I think Facebook and OKC reduce us to profiled shadows of our true selves, Instagram reduces us to a box of Polaroids, Twitter reduces us to a bunch of impulsive notes, and Tinder reduces us to all those things with desperation. Maybe LinkedIn will make you homeless, or maybe it’ll make you happier. Then, that content and those interpersonal effects are capitalized upon to provide revenue to someone. It’s dark. People may go out of their way to “prove me wrong” about this, which is an exercise that seems useless and boring to me, but which is more concerned with how they stay entertained, and at least for me that entertainment has a measurable personal cost.

If you have a problem with profiling practices by private or public entities, and you think it’s fallible or unfair or useless, why would you want profiling in your social, love, or work life? It’s like when Anton Chigurh does the coin toss in No Country for Old Men. The coin doesn’t mean anything.

I wouldn’t date a person who uses this stuff. I do not use social media (perhaps with the exception of this board, of which I have been reminded for reasons unknown) and my life has improved an ineffable order of magnitude because I no longer feel like I actively participate in each person’s personal graph of interpersonal desires.

Outside of the social space, I am still uncomfortable with my dependence on the internet for work and my continuing education, much as some our concerned about worldwide dependence on fossil fuels, or the proliferation of the quasi-disposable plastic shopping bag. I’m not even comfortable writing about this, in perpetuity, online (another behavior encouraged by those around me since childhood) but I felt like it was something I should get out to a community which I knew spent time discussing it in earnest for years.

If I believed I could meet someone to marry, while also feeling safe in the decision to be wed to that person (a situation I’m not sure I believe in), I wouldn’t want photos or videos or phones at the ceremony.

You can meet a new person to date in the real space. I’ve met them there through friends before. It is hazardous and fallible, and honestly I’m not sure why people derive happiness or pleasure from it. I don’t. I miss companionship, but I don’t know why another person would want to spend a long interval of time with me. There’s a tax benefit to marriage but I’m sure not fond of thinking I’m work. I’m always stressed out because of work and otherwise I’m just quiet and sometimes I read a book or the newspaper.

People have recommended to me that I meet people to date in bars and I think they are crazy. How could you meet someone like that? Why would that work? I have to sing a song and maybe drink alcohol?

Some people call this the “dating game.” Why am I a game? Why are people games to each other? Why would you ever tolerate the social condition in which another human life is a game?

I don’t know why people exchange pointers about this in men’s and women’s magazines, nor on the internet, nor why anyone seems to see some sort of value in having a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” People I’ve met talk about those around them, whether they “have” these people, and their behavior, and connote others with these statuses. It’s both discriminatory and objectifying, before you even consider the hook-up culture. Another person has an entire inner world which can never be conveyed with language. It feels completely demeaning to connote them with language other than their names. How could language ever accurately describe them? How could numbers ever accurately describe them? It’s like that employment survey which asks if you’re “a disabled.” What’s the right answer to that question?

Even in the context of these notes on my experience, trying to “sum up” another person in language or with math feels depraved. It’s why I stopped writing.

Finally: "Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk — real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.” - Jack Kerouac.

au revoir~


#98

Lol.

/15 characters


#99

You seem like the kind of person who has strong opinions on ethics and it’s relation to video gaming journalism.


#100

I’m getting a “me at 14” vibe but this guy is apparently at least in his 20s.