Dating


#61

I guess the catch for me is I’m pretty okay with parties and talking to people, but I just lack the motivation to ever go out to a party. Having a girlfriend that wants to usually encourages me to go of course. So I at least stay social outside of the handful of places that I go in my day to day routine (i.e. work). But then if you involve music or games I will overcome any and all apprehensions to go anywhere.


#62

I’m introverted and I hate putting myself in new social situations. Makes dating very hard. That said…

I’m joining a meetup Monday and making some friends locally. There’s a con that’s happening in a couple of months very close to here in DC and I’d like to have someone to go with our know people beforehand. I wouldn’t normally do this but holy shit did MAGfest shatter so many of my imaginary notions about socialising. And like it was said before, by making new friends I’ll indirectly have more opportunity for dating. Dating isn’t my main goal, but if I get an opportunity for it I’m not going to say no.


#63

This all becomes even more difficult when you’re introverted, easily exhausted by social gatherings, terrible at detecting flirting, AND you’re hoping to get into a relationship with someone of the same gender rather than the opposite. My gay-dar is terrible and asking people about their sexuality outright feels like too personal a question, so I’m often just left tearing my hair out trying to figure out if I’m barking up the wrong tree or not. Fear of making things awkward by inadvertently asking out a straight girl makes things extra :cold_sweat:.

I’ve tried going to LGBT-specific events before, but the fact that those are centered more around sexuality than interests seems to make it more likely that I won’t share as many interests with the people there. I’ve just felt like the odd one out at the couple events I’ve attended, being the only super geeky girl in the room (which just does wonders for my difficulties with groups). Plus a lot of the lesbian events in the city seem to cater to much older women, which is doubly awkward… That said, I’d like to try a few more meetups in the future, see if I can find something that’s a little more up my alley. I think one of the local board game cafes might be having LGBT meetups now, so that sounds like a promising opportunity to expand my gay geek social circle at the very least!

But yeah, that aside, I did recently download Her to my phone, which is an app exclusively for LGBT women. Figured at the very least that would help me with my gay-dar issue. So far have had a couple of interesting chats, but haven’t set up anything yet. If anything comes of it, I’ll post here and let people know how it goes.


#64

I don’t know about where you live, but here in DC, one of the local comic shops has a LGBTQ night, where people get together to discuss comics. It definitely scratches the nerdy and gay demographics, and sounds like something you might enjoy. Try checking to see if any of the local comic shops near you do something similar.


#65

I feel better knowing I’m not the only one with a broken gaydar lol.


#66

My meetup tomorrow is not announced as lgbt, but is part of a group that is pretty much de facto lgbt and allies. It helps with my own broken gaydar when I know I’m surrounded by similar people.

Are there any other events in DC like the comic shop thing? Comics aren’t quite my thing, but similarly nerdy events might be cool.


#67

This is a legitimately difficult thing to find balance with. You could always try wearing a shirt that says, “I’m into girls!” :wink:

Okay, but for real, I have no experience in this area. My only advice would be that you could try looking into local kink groups if there are any in your area. There tends to be a higher amount of non-hetero sexuality in that arena, and even if you aren’t kinky, you might make friends that have friends in your sexual bracket. There’s a significant overlap between geekdom and kink, so it might help. If you’re not comfortable poking at that particular avenue, that’s totally understandable as well…let me know if you want some assistance finding social groups. I have extensive networks that may yield something helpful if tapped.


#68

As an additional point, which is similarly applicable to much more than just dating, I think that for the sake of living a full, happy life it is often very important to ignore other peoples’ ideas of what a “full, happy life” entails.


#69

Looks like third date puts me in the direction of breaking it off. She came out with the politics and proclaimed herself a proud Trump supporter.

If she had framed her vote for him as a vote against Clinton rather than support of Trump, I could have worked with that. When I told her I have a mixture of friends from all political views she asked me to not bring them around her. I can’t deal with intolerance and I don’t need to.

On the positive side I am getting chatted up quite regularly on the dating sites. The fact that so many guys are just cretins or married men looking to cheat makes my basic happy guy demeanor in high demand. Had a few dates already though no major sparks.

I also just found out that the POF app allows you to call people via the app. No phone number required so you get to keep some anonymity while being able to talk to them to protect against catfishing.


#70

Seems like it’s working then! Trump voters notwithstanding.


#71

Bumble is proving to be interesting. It is like Tinder without the swipe count limit and women have to talk first. If she doesn’t do anything within 24 hours the match is cancelled.

Isn’t that just a recipe for guys to always swipe right and then decide after they get a message whether or not they are actually interested?


#72

Does the phrase, “we could go back to my place but it is a mess,” have some secondary meaning in dating? I have heard this twice on first dates that I thought were going very well only to be ghosted afterwards. I took it literally and suggested alternative activities. Is this some high school level banter meant to tell me they want to take me home but don’t want to sound slutty?


#73

Maybe they want you to invite them to your place? Maybe they literally mean they’d like to take you back to their place for privacy but their house is gross? You could ask them about their intentions, as “un-sexy” as it is. Clarification is cool.


#74

With Axel on that one. Hard to say with any certainty, it could be that they want to come back to yours to see your artistic etchings, could be just that their place is a bombsite. Feel it out, I recon, after all, if they’re not into it, then it wasn’t on anyway, and if they were dropping hints, then getting past hints and on to everybody singing from the same hymnal is certainly not going to hurt. Unless you’re into that.


#75

I think the meaning at least to me is pretty clear. She wants you to invite her to your place.


#76

I would have thought that if we weren’t five minutes from her place and an hour from mine


#77

I don’t like to assume that everything is a code, or a hidden meaning, or a test, because people don’t usually talk that way. But perhaps she was curious if your place was a mess and wanted to see it. Or as I said before, maybe her place is genuinely disgusting and she wants private time with you without you having to live in her mess.


#78

I am worried that my relationship is falling apart.

The problem I have is that I keep going into myself and becoming all my very worst hang ups and I seem to be picking up new ones all the time. As soon as my fiance notices this she becomes furious and I go more into myself whilst trying to pull myself together and be the man I can be and the man she wants.

She didn’t used to get furious. We used to talk about it and try to resolve my problems but we’re way past that now. She’s exhausted all other responses, she’s ignored it, rationalised it, come up with exercises, given me space, reacted with sympathy and we even blamed a presence in the house for a while. Things seems to work for about a week until I go back to feeling insecure and desperate and when I’m in that state I become actually stupid as all my brain devotes itself to itself and traps itself.

This weekend we went up to Scotland and we had a great time at a Burns Night supper but on the drive home I struggled with my emotions, we’d not had much sleep. We’d stopped at a service station with beautiful snowy mountains and a lake. I think I should have confessed to feeling problematic but I didn’t want to upset her and make her angry so instead I decided to tell her I loved her (as I do many times). It was obvious that I said “I love you” in bad faith because my voice wavered and my eyes darted and I made myself small.

She was very angry. And as we continued to drive she asked me to make her feel better. I told he how wonderful she was and she said she knew that. I told her about the the future we’d have together and she said she needed help now. I apologised and said I was responsible for my actions but she said that she didn’t want an apology again because we’d done that. I talked about the great things we’d done in the past but she said we can’t cling to the past. I told her about how I’d become a better person and we’d get past this but she said I’d told her this before and she didn’t trust me. I told her things she’d told me in the past about self improvement and she said I was parroting her words back to her. I went silent and said I wanted to give her space and she said that was me being lazy. I went into detail about how frustrated and trapped I felt with this situation and she said I was making it all about me when she was the one who was upset. I asked if she’d be happier without me and she said I was escalating the stakes and that I’d already promised not to do that. I asked how I could make her feel better and she said that she said I had to figure it out else it would be done out of obligation rather than sincerity. I said I’d get professional help but she told me I was just looking for a name to give to my behaviour to justify that it continues.

I got stuck with a hundred voices railing against each other in my head, everything I do, a cruelty, everything I say is a dagger! Oh god!

So I just kept saying that I was stuck. I didn’t know what to say or do. She was livid, called me names and punched me in the head.

I confessed to cowardice, cruelty and pride and she agreed. I acknowledged that how I behave in reaction to her requests was my choice. I acknowledged that I’d overreacted too. Then she asked me how that was supposed to make her feel better.

I told her that I wished that she would react differently to my indiscretions because I’m having a hard time getting past this and she said me requesting for he to react differently was me saying that I would do this again. If I wasn’t going to do it again why would I need to worry about her reaction to it?

We went to bed last night having spent most of the day on talk. I was as helpful and good as I could have been.

I have no confidence that I can be the relaxed, caring and good person I said I was. I used to be that before I started being so damned needy.

I don’t know what to do. I want us to have fulfilled lives and experience the joy we used to feel around each other.

Even writing this I feel conflicted. I am biased. I read back through this and it looks like I’m the victim when this has going on a long time and every time anything goes wrong it’s because I start to doubt myself and the vows I’ve made.

From her perspective I came along, I was brilliant, I was genuine and loving. and because I we were so happy and secure I made promises. But when the going gets tough I become this needy manchild that needs to be sad to satisfy a comfort zone that has nothing to do with her. And that is my betrayal to her and I do it all the time. I have exhausted all her knowledge and advice, I have taken everything until the only thing left is anger. I feel like a monster and that does no good for anyone.


#79

Well, this is a first for me.

I have been talking to this woman for about a month now. On site messaging, followed by texting, and now long phone calls.

I told her early on exactly what I wanted and asked her to be completely honest in return so we wouldn’t be wasting each other’s time. Up until yesterday everything was going great. We had great chemistry on the phone and a lot of shared interests. Then we meet…

First off, she had told me should put on some winter weight , which is fine, but she was close 30 or 40lbs above what her pictures showed. Plus the photos were either a few years out of date or so grainy/blurry that you couldn’t really tell what she looked like. Again, not a problem because we meshed so well on a personality and interests level. However it did ding her a few points on the honesty scale.

We met up over coffee and everything went well. Previously she had said we could do stuff afterwards but she backed off on that offer prior to our meeting due to her dog’s poor health (real old, ready to either die or be put down.) Again, it’s fine because she told me ahead of time.

After I get home I get a message, “in the interests of total honesty”… In which she tells me how she still had the super hots for her previous boyfriend that she just broke up with after dating for a month. At this point my jaw just hit the floor. Seriously? You are not over your ex and you are on a dating site? Even worse our conversations prior to this were clearly leading up to a dating relationship.

Seeing as how we still have enough common interests and chemistry for a platonic relationship (I’ll take another gamer wherever I can find them!) I ask her about the relationship to figure out if it is a situation where she just has lingering feelings that are fading or what? They still talk now and then as friends but there was some sort of lack of commitment willingness on his end. The guy is ten years younger than her and I understand how age can cloud judgement but I really wish she had mentioned this a lot sooner.

At this point she is going into the gamer friend pool. Might have dodged a bullet on this one but it would have been nice to finally have a relationship with someone close to my age who actually enjoys rather than simply tolerates my hobbies.

Still talking to her today but it is clear our relationship has cooled overnight. I’m upset about being led on and she is upset aboit my prying into her prior relationship. Honestly, I have never encountered this situation so I didn’t really know how to react.


#80

It just kind of sounds like she is floundering on what she wants. She clearly was using a dating site to try and move on, or maybe gain some confidence from someone wanting to consider dating her. However, she is actually just interested in her ex, and clearly didn’t think long term of what to do with a person who would actually have advanced far enough to consider dating.

In the end, yeah, she kind of led you on. I mean, I’ve heard a lot worse, but it’s clear that she didn’t have exactly her stated intentions.

As for your reaction? You’re probably better off. When dealing with someone who is wrapped up in complex previous relationships who can’t disentangle them long enough to try for something new, you’re sort of better off with them not dating you. It may have been even worse if she tried to date you casually while still pining for her ex. So overall, I would just take it in stride and get back to looking for someone else to get to know.