Dating

[hmtksteve]

I simply took the exchange between Scott and Rym and added some hyperbole to make it more amusing.

[UncleUlty]

@Apreche

Also, because I am aware of the problem of pick up artists, cat callers, and other “that guys.” I intentionally and consciously avoid any behavior that could even be remotely close to sexual harassment. This means that if someone is flirting with me, it’s not going to get them anywhere. I am unable to respond because of the consequences if I am wrong. Fear of being “that guy” is so great that it can only be overcome with the power of what equates to expressed written consent.

This. Exactly this. I hear so many stories of women being accosted and harassed verbally, and the last thing that I want is for anyone I meet to think that they have to be wary of me, or that I want to do them harm. I’m certain that I’ve missed out on lots of dates because I didn’t pick up on flirting until after the fact. But I’d rather meet someone who thinks I’m not interested than thinks I’m a creeper.

For example, every week my friends and I go to a local bar for their Trivia game. When we win, the host likes to take a picture of the team with the prize for the bar’s Facebook page. One of the guys on our team likes to ask our waitress to get into the picture as well, and always puts his arm around her waist for the photo. He’s a 40-something single guy who’s totally harmless and friendly, but that move comes off as creepy to me. Unless it’s something that people do all the time, and it’s just me that has a problem with it.

[SkeleRym]

That waitress thing is super creepy: the kind of thing I’d avoid a person over. I’d say that’s over the line of harmless.

What happened to meeting these people in these contexts and just getting to know them? If that all goes well and you think there’s a spark, ask them once if they’d like to get a coffee or something. If they say no, just remain friends and never bother them again about dates or dating.

[lukeburrage]

oh my god nerds this thread hasn’t improved in ten years nor new forum

[Apreche]

[quote=“lukeburrage, post:45, topic:305, full:true”]
oh my god nerds this thread hasn’t improved in ten years nor new forum
[/quote]If you can solve this thread, you stand to make a lot of money.

[lukeburrage]

That’s the thing: it isn’t solvable.

One the one hand you have confident non-single people saying “It’s easy, all you have to be is just like me and then you can be non-single like me” and on the other hand all the non-confident single people saying “But I’m not like you… help me be not like but also not single!”

[SWATrous]

Plenty of people are or for long periods have been not-single but still can’t into dating.

Rym suggests going to events and meeting people just to meet them and hey eventually dates emerge? Yeah nah mate. I appreciate it works but the only social events I’m into are paintball and airshow’s and if I could get the game play experience of paintball and also not react with humans… sign me up for Westworld.

Note I’m also not commenting on any lack of dating potential. I have my own things going on and dating is just not one of the things I’m worried about.

But if I was I’d probably go online and make it efficient.

[Naoza]

The thing that’s helped me was a throw-away line in a movie I’ve forgotten the title and plot of.

The line was “I’ve been happily single ever since.” The concept of Happily Single is a concept people (single males, mostly) have to learn. Emphasis on Happily.

Be single, and be completely fine with that. Single and not in any rush to no longer be single. Everything else happens on it’s own. Go about your business. If you meet someone you like, cool. Continue to hang out with them. If you want to ask them out, on a date, or for coffee go for it. If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t. Just be yourself and be ok with being yourself.

This advice doesn’t work if you’re not a good person but, and I know this is controversial, but I think most people are, essentially good. As such I think this will work for most.

[Raithnor]

Sometimes you want to connect with a new group of people, but have no idea what kind of social event you want to go to. I already go to social events that center around my current interests, but there’s little room for expansion in those specific circles.

[ThatGent]

Not doing so decreases your chances of dating a Dryad by 100%

[Josh]

What happened next did he get the Dryad’s digits?

[Nuri]

George took our advice and now George has an awesome girlfriend. It has nothing to do with being confident. It has to do with being true to your own interests and talking about shit instead of being afraid you’ll scare someone away or make them feel bad. It’s a process, and it’s hard, and it’s not going to get you a date overnight, but dates gotten overnight are less likely to be with awesome people anyway.

All of the “happily non-single” people were once single. We didn’t suddenly lose all knowledge of the difficulties of dating and relationships just because we entered one.

Rule #1 Always: If you are looking for someone who is right for you, you shouldn’t hide who you are or what you are feeling. If they can’t handle who you are or don’t want the same things you want, they aren’t right for you. Find out and move on.

[Axel]

@lukeburrage

oh my god nerds this thread hasn’t improved in ten years nor new forum

I fully admit that I have not gotten any better since I detailed my dating adventures here 4-5 years ago, but that’s just because I haven’t stopped being an introvert who is bad at groups/clubs/crowds.

[Deadname]

While we’re at it, I’ll admit I have as little understanding of romantic dynamics as always, but I stopped trying to add them to my life so it’s kinda moot.

[Axel]

Yeah. Not a lot of traction.

I should also add that my work hours preclude a lot of socializing.

[lukeburrage]

I was simplifying for comic reasons, but this thread still continues to amuse me.

[Dazzle369]

Dating is a journey, finding and having is a partner is another kind of journey. There are no ‘destinations’. What differs are the attitudes and hurdles of developing your character along those journeys.

[MATATAT]

I guess the catch for me is I’m pretty okay with parties and talking to people, but I just lack the motivation to ever go out to a party. Having a girlfriend that wants to usually encourages me to go of course. So I at least stay social outside of the handful of places that I go in my day to day routine (i.e. work). But then if you involve music or games I will overcome any and all apprehensions to go anywhere.

[Boomer]

I’m introverted and I hate putting myself in new social situations. Makes dating very hard. That said…

I’m joining a meetup Monday and making some friends locally. There’s a con that’s happening in a couple of months very close to here in DC and I’d like to have someone to go with our know people beforehand. I wouldn’t normally do this but holy shit did MAGfest shatter so many of my imaginary notions about socialising. And like it was said before, by making new friends I’ll indirectly have more opportunity for dating. Dating isn’t my main goal, but if I get an opportunity for it I’m not going to say no.

[ErynCerise]

This all becomes even more difficult when you’re introverted, easily exhausted by social gatherings, terrible at detecting flirting, AND you’re hoping to get into a relationship with someone of the same gender rather than the opposite. My gay-dar is terrible and asking people about their sexuality outright feels like too personal a question, so I’m often just left tearing my hair out trying to figure out if I’m barking up the wrong tree or not. Fear of making things awkward by inadvertently asking out a straight girl makes things extra .

I’ve tried going to LGBT-specific events before, but the fact that those are centered more around sexuality than interests seems to make it more likely that I won’t share as many interests with the people there. I’ve just felt like the odd one out at the couple events I’ve attended, being the only super geeky girl in the room (which just does wonders for my difficulties with groups). Plus a lot of the lesbian events in the city seem to cater to much older women, which is doubly awkward… That said, I’d like to try a few more meetups in the future, see if I can find something that’s a little more up my alley. I think one of the local board game cafes might be having LGBT meetups now, so that sounds like a promising opportunity to expand my gay geek social circle at the very least!

But yeah, that aside, I did recently download Her to my phone, which is an app exclusively for LGBT women. Figured at the very least that would help me with my gay-dar issue. So far have had a couple of interesting chats, but haven’t set up anything yet. If anything comes of it, I’ll post here and let people know how it goes.